Jokes
1
Itching
Powder
Amit was a high ranking official in King Akbar's court. He had one
long-standing wish - to suck the Queen's voluptuous breasts until
his heart was content. Every time he passed the Queen he got
sorely frustrated.
One
day, he revealed his desire to the King's chief adviser,
Birbal, and begged him to do something about it. Birbal, after much
thought, agreed on the condition that, afterward, Amit would have to
pay Birbal 1,000 gold coins for arranging things. Amit agreed.
The
next day Birbal prepared an itching lotion and poured it into the
Queen's bra which she had left out while she was taking a bath. Soon
the itching started and grew in intensity, much to the King's
anxiety. Consultations with doctors and Birbal revealed that only a
special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure it. Birbal also
added that such a saliva was only to be found in Amit's
mouth. King Akbar summoned Amit, and for the next four hours Amit
violently sucked the Queen's breasts. Licking, biting, pressing,
playing, he got what he always desired.
Satisfied,
he returned and met Birbal, but since his mission was over
and his lust satisfied, he refused to pay Birbal anything, and in fact
he shooed him away. Amit, of course knew that Birbal could
never report this matter to the King. But Amit had underestimated
Birbal.
Next
day, revengefully, Birbal put the same itching lotion in King Akbar's
underwear . . . and Amit was again summoned by the King....
-----+++-----
Why
did the chicken cross the road ?
KINDERGARTEN
TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO:
For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL
MARX: It was an historical inevitability.
MACHIAVELLI:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end
of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
SADDAM
HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD
REAGAN: I forget.
RICHARD
M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did
NOT cross the road.
BILL
CLINTON: The chicken did NOT cross the road. Not a single time. Never.
(It was a boulevard).
HILLARY
CLINTON: It was part of a vast right-wing conspiracy against my
husband.
CAPTAIN
JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES:
Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
ANDERSEN
CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was
threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with
significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required
for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering
relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its
physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the
Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its
skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the
chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall
strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting
convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens
along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation
industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to
leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and
to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the
implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and
implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of
poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like
setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was
strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent,
clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's
mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the
creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting
helped the chicken change to become more successful.
MOSES:
And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou
shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was
much rejoicing.
FOX
MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more
chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
JERRY
SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever
think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all
over the place, anyway?"
FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the
road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL
GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not
only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and
balance your cheque book.
OLIVER
STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we
overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN:
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in
such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross
roads.
EINSTEIN:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the
chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA:
Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH
WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road ... it transcended
it.
ERNEST
HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
MICHAEL
SCHUMACHER: it was an instinctive manoeuvre, the chicken obviously
didn't see the road until he had already started to cross.
COLONEL
SANDERS: I missed one?
-----+++-----
Alcohol
Warning: Due to increasing products liability
insurance, beer manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's
suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on
all beer containers:
Warning:
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you
are not.
Warning:
Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker.
Warning:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over
and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.
Warning:
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
really dying for you to telephone them at 4am.
Warning:
Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened
to your trousers
Warning:
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse
with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
Warning:
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu
powers.
Warning:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and
see something really scary (whose species, and/or name you can't
remember).
Warning:
Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns
on the forehead.
Warning:
Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in
your home.
Warning:
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
Warning:
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing
with you.
Warning:
Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum,
whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally
disappear.
Warning:
Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.
-----+++-----
Deduction
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal
and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson,
look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see
millions and millions of stars." "So what does that tell you?" asked
Sherlock. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me
that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past
three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we
are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will
have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,
Holmes?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you
dickhead. Some bastard has stolen our tent."
-----+++-----
What
Travel Agents have to put up with:-
I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their
hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
A
client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over
all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California
and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I
got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to
explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she
interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but
Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the
stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown
is in Africa." Her response ... click.
A
man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was
wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an
ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando
is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked
on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
I
got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from
Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the
map."
Another
man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up
the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I
asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a
big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save
time."
A
nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her
flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I
tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she
could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the
plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A
woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on
your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why
do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline,
they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is
there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I
"looked into it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained
the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting
a destination tag on her luggage.
I
just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane
to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was
told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have
numbers on them. "
A
woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those
computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a
commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
A
business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in
order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I
reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many
times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure
enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look,
I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my
American Express."
A
woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to
Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the
agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights
do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent
came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in
the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer
retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your
map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally
offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a
big animal".
-----+++-----
A
guide to Comparative Religion
Taoism……… Shit happens
Buddhism…… Shit happens over and over
again
Catholicism… Shit happens, and it’s your
fault
Judaism…… Why does shit always happen to
me?
Islam…… It is Allah’s shit
Protestantism…. Shit happens because you don’t
work hard enough
Calvinism… Shit is intended for others
Agnosticism… Shit?
Atheism…… There is no such thing as shit
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